Should I Stop Dating Someone My Dog Doesn’t Like?

Heavy Petting  is a biweekly relationship advice column for pet parents — so you and your boo don’t end up fighting like cats and dogs over the cat and dog. Do you have a pet who is affecting your dating life and need some advice?  Submit your anonymous questions here.

Dear Heavy Petting,
Let me start by telling you about the greatest love of my life: my little Bulldog mix, Penelope. Penelope is a gentle, friendly sweetie who likes everyone. She’s very easy to win over; you just need to give her all the pets she deserves. Someone who I had gone on a few dates with finally met Penelope on a walk. He was as indifferent to her as she was to him. He barely acknowledged her, and I think she felt put off. 

He finally stooped to pet her, and she shied away. In Penelope-speak, this is as big of an insult as there could ever be. It made me view him differently — as someone who’s not conscientious to beings around him. At the end of the walk, I found myself telling him goodbye. 

When I told my friends this very sad story, one of them said this was not a good reason to ditch someone who otherwise seemed kinda promising and that I just didn’t want to make an effort (everyone else notably silent about my behavior). I know I’m writing to someone who cares about dogs over everything, so do you think I’m dramatic for changing my mind about a crush because of Penelope’s attitude?

Hesitantly yours,
Mx. Picky Paws

Hello Mx. Picky Paws,
I’ve been here, though actually I’ve been in your former crush’s position, at least I think. 

Several years ago, someone had a really strong crush on me (or at least I was pretty sure they did). This could be my arrogance (probable!) but signs were there. One night I went to a pre-party gathering at this person’s apartment and met her beloved dog — and her dog did not like me. I saw the crush dissipate before my eyes. “She’s a very good judge of character,” the person who had previously had a crush on me said. She didn’t invite me to hang out much after that.

My theory was this dog could tell I was highly indifferent to her person and rightfully rebuffed me. Anyway, it says something unflattering about me that I remember this dog’s cruelty in a more painful way than I remember any of my indifference to this person. 

Your question is an interesting one: How much can dogs accurately point to a general dirtbag/unconscientious asshole/indifferent jerk? 

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And what to do if you and your partner can’t agree on whether you should have an audience.

Don’t read into it too much.

When I ask this question of Leigh Siegfried, the founder and training director of Opportunity Barks, she immediately cites a Bill Murray quote: “I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs, but I trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.” But with her years of experience, Siegfried isn’t quite so extreme: “I wouldn’t read into it too much. Some dogs are so over-the-top social that they seek any interaction from strangers, even a stranger who’s an axe murderer.” 

My college friend Ellie had a dog who would likely be friendly to even the worst type of crush. “Jumper is a big slut. I don’t totally adore plenty of people who Jumper is obsessed with, so he’s no help at all. But sometimes he’s weird about hats — which I agree with, I really don’t like men in hats indoors, even baseball hats. But that does feel more sartorial than substantive.” 

 Follow your dog’s reactions.

Siegfried says if it’s an unusual response for the dog, “I might look at that. It’s probably body language and vibes. Also maybe that person isn't super comfortable around dogs.” 

That might have been your situation. Did you encourage your crush to pet Penelope, or approach her in the way that she prefers? Ultimately, it’s up to the dog’s parent to set the dog and the new person up for success. 

Find someone the dog particularly responds to — it’s hard not to think of this as a good sign. 

Rachel, who lives in Brooklyn with her dog, Gilly (a clumsy, affectionate Sapsali mix), says that Gilly’s particularly excitable, wiggly affinity for her now-husband, Nick, was a big part of the beginning of their relationship. “Gilly would get so excited to see him when Nick would be coming up the stairs of the apartment,” Rachel says. “I feel like having Gilly be so in love with Nick definitely helped me picture our lives together.” 

And meanwhile, Nick was enamored of how Rachel was with Gilly. “She was just so extra when it came to Gilly and I loved it.” He cites Gilly’s one-year birthday party as a sure sign he wanted to date Rachel. “I just really admire that caring attitude toward any living creature and that kind of made me, I’d say, easily fall in love with her.”

I talked to my friend Sarah, who has a dopey Lab mix named Mia and is always trying to have a Nora Ephron romantic comedy meet-cute at the dog park. Sarah says that she likes when Mia approaches people. She mostly sees this as an entry point for a conversation, not as a highly evaluative screening process. “But I do wonder, why does Mia approach this man or this woman in particular? So maybe there is a little screening to be done!” (Sarah, she wants to note, has only ever exchanged numbers with one person at a dog park and the texting faltered very quickly — “but it’s not for lack of trying!”) 

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Everyone has baggage (dogs, too).

Jennifer Abrams, an animal behaviorist who works as a behavior consultant in Brooklyn, says she thinks it’s a little more individualized to the dog’s taste. “Each individual dog has their own unique experience, their own set of things they can trust, and also their own baggage,” Abrams says. “We have no way to know for sure what it is that they may be triggered by with a new person or what it is that may be attracted to them about a new person.”

Dr. Faith Drew, a certified Gottman therapist specializing in couples therapy, says if her client cited the dog’s opinion for changing their mind about a person’s character, she would definitely ask more: “It could be their own insecurity around, for instance, commitment. Maybe they’re finding excuses not to really be vulnerable. Or is it really intuition, when they’re saying, Yeah, I trust my dog?”

In other words, is this something you can’t name, but you have some tingly weirdness? Maybe going solely on your dog’s judgment is extreme, but going on yours is great. 

So, here’s the new question: Is Penelope a vector for your intuition? Or is Penelope an excuse to not give someone a chance with a little more encouragement? As much as we try to counteract, dogs can be vehicles for some projection of our feelings. And in the nascent days of a crush — or when your dog alerts you to the golden heart of someone you might have overlooked — a little feedback from your most beloved companion seems very useful.