A couple of weeks ago, I sent my husband a slightly unhinged WhatsApp: “Let’s whisk him away somewhere, change his name and microchip and start our new life with him. We can be his parents.”
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The reply came back, less enthusiastic than I’d hoped: “Who, Pork Chop? The same dog you told me you couldn’t cope with looking after again a few weeks ago?”
Oh yeah, that had happened. In my defence, it had been a hectic six-plus-weeks, and we’d had my almost-two-year-old English Bulldog nephew, Pork Chop, for most of that time. (This was partly planned, partly due to extenuating circumstances.)
How much do you spend on your pet per year?
Though I’d looked after my gorgeous Bulldog nephew lots of times before, this was undoubtedly the longest, most intense stint. It coincided with back-to-school for my four human kids (new year groups, new schools, GCSE year for my eldest), as well as back-to-school-illnesses, builders in the front and back garden (limiting Pork Chop’s outdoor toilet space), plus writing deadlines, website shifts and yoga teacher training commitments for me.
Pork Chop is delightful and we all adore him, but at an already busy time of year, this was, undeniably, more work on my plate. Especially after he ended up at an emergency vet visit within days of arriving at ours.
Jen with Pork Chop
By mid-September, I was an emotionally drained, exhausted, feverish and gastric flu-ridden wreck. But just a few weeks later, I was begging my brother- and sister-in-law to let me have him just a bit longer. Somehow, without realising it, those weeks with Pork Chop changed something in me: five years after the death of my gorgeous Bolshy, the furry boy who made me a mum at 27, I felt ready to become a dog mum all over again.
My scrumptious, adoring and adorable English Bulldog, Bolshy, had died a week shy of his 11th birthday, in September 2020. It’s been five years, and I’m still surprised to discover he’s not sprawled out and snoring on the sofa whenever I open the door to the living room. But these days, that image of him is more likely to put a smile on my face than bring me to tears.
My love story with Bolshy is one of my greatest, and I will never cease to marvel at all of the ways we existed for one other. He was my baby, my bestie, the ailing senior I nursed to the end. I loved the identities he helped me forge; the parts of myself he helped me discover. And I was better with him: less selfish, more patient, more willing to give and less worried about what I was getting in return. I know my grief for him is about more than the gaping hole of loss, and of missing him every day.
I grieve for my lost identity as a dog mummy, too.
So I’m not surprised to feel that yearning again… just surprised at how it seized me so intensely on that random Tuesday in mid-October.
According to pet bereavement therapist,opens in new tab Julie Wood, what I’m feeling right now isn’t all that uncommon. Lots of us whose pets have died only realise we’re ready to become pet parents again when we least expect it.
“Usually, it’s something that comes about by accident: they might look after somebody else’s dog while they’re away and suddenly realise they could love another dog. They might come across a dog that needs rehoming, or just had puppies, and something clicks,” Julie explains.
For many, this feeling is complicated: “There’s a lot of guilt around it: guilt they might be trying to replace their pet, or it means they didn’t love the pet that died. I always say: ‘It’s not taking the place, it’s filling the space.’”
Bolshy as a puppy
Bolshy with one of his human sisters
Navigating pet grief: how to give yourself permission to move on
I didn’t become a dog mum again soon after Bolshy’s death, but I was tempted. Once. About a month after he died. Me, still sobbing, manically doing online research into puppies in need of urgent adoption. That phase of grief lasted about three days, and I knew I couldn't act on it, because it wouldn’t have worked for my family.
Which doesn’t mean it wouldn’t have been the right choice for someone else.
Some of Dawn’s clients have another pet in the house within hours of their previous pet dying. “Not because they didn’t love their previous pet,” Dawn adds. “But because they didn’t want to face that void.” At the opposite end of the spectrum are those who wait years and still feel hesitant, for a number of reasons.
Instead of becoming dog parents, we spent the next couple years as a revolving doggy daycare for my friends, hosting a Pug, an English Bulldog, a Cavapoo and a feisty German Shepherd on various occasions.
And then I became a dog auntie, and it felt like all of the benefits of being a dog mum all over again… without quite as much responsibility.
Jen dog sitting
Signs you might be ready for another dog
When it comes to becoming a dog parent again after loss, it’s different for everyone. There’s no right or wrong answer, and no one should be judgemental about if and when you choose to become a pet parent again. (Or if you never do.)
While it’s an individual process, there are some ways you can tell if you’re more ready than not, according to Dawn. For starters, sense-check where you are emotionally by asking yourself questions like: Am I still in acute grief? Can I think of my pet in happier times or only in sorrow?
“If there’s a mixture of the two, which there generally is and can be for many years, they’re probably in a much better place,” Dawn explains. She cautions one major red flag is “when people are still of the mind that this could be a replacement pet”.
Deciding if it’s the right time to become a parent again involves many variables, and an ability to envisage yourself as a pet parent in the present but also to be realistic about where you’ll be in the next 10-12 years (roughly the average lifespan of a dog).
“When the decision is made thoughtfully, the client and the pet can form a wonderful relationship that’s based on acceptance, respect and hope for the future,” says Dawn. “It can be beneficial to people if they have considered all aspects of making sure they get their timing right.”
I may feel ready, but my husband is not. According to Dawn, this is a deal-breaker.
“You don’t want a new pet coming in if there’s any resentment towards that introduction. All the family have to be singing off the same hymn sheet when a new companion is introduced,” she says.
How to honour a pet’s death and support a grieving loved one
Do I go for the same breed or a different one?
I suspect there’s another reason I haven’t entertained the possibility of becoming a pet parent again all that seriously until recently.
It’s because – and this feels like a betrayal to write – I’m not sure I can emotionally cope with having another English Bulldog again, even though they are the most gorgeous, sweetest and wonderfully charismatic and gentle dogs I’ve ever known.
Also so unbelievably loyal to and protective of their humans. Some of my fondest memories of Bolshy involve him snuggling his human siblings, my babies’ upper lips coated with a dusting of dog hair after licking his fur or sucking on his ear, which he very patiently tolerated.
With a Bulldog, the line between pet parent, fun aunt and emergency caretaker can blur in an instant, as Pork Chop’s latest stay proved. He had a respiratory crisis that I recognised from my experience navigating Bolshy’s respiratory crises in his final year… and finding myself back at my wonderful vet with a different, much younger dog – but the same concerning and potentially life-threatening problem – was immensely stressful.
Now I’m so intimately familiar with the many health issues that come alongside loving and raising an English Bulldog, I’m not confident I’m that well-equipped to handle it all over again. (Emotionally or financially.)
The good news is, according to experts, if you’re in the right headspace, it shouldn’t make too much difference if you end up with a dog who’s the same colour and breed again… or a completely different one. But being realistic about what you can take on has to trump any breed preferences you may have.
“They have to take in a lot of practical considerations: finances, their own energy levels, what age they are likely to be,” says Dawn.
“I’ve had people who have had a working spaniel who died. When they are slightly older, they go out and get a working spaniel puppy, but they’ve forgotten how much work was involved in introducing a young puppy.”
Brothers from another mother: Bolshy
and Pork Chop
Practical tips for preparing your home and life for a dog again
Five years is a long time to be without a dog, and even though I’ve always been a dog mum at heart, my home isn’t quite so dog-friendly these days. For example, we finally invested in ‘grown-up’ furniture that – so far – isn’t covered in paw prints. And my 15-year-old likes to shoot hoops with her netball, but Pork Chop seems to think it should be his netball.
While it only took a couple of days for that familiar, messy cosiness, that ‘dog family’ feeling, to settle over us, it involved lots of emotional and practical adjustments, big and small.
There are various practical considerations to bear in mind when thinking about becoming a dog parent again, like whether a breed is appropriate to someone’s living situation, and if a living situation has changed (eg, moving from a house to a flat), if it’s still suitable for the dog you’re hoping to raise there. Dynamics around working from home (and time spent at home) may have changed from when you were last a dog parent and need to be considered, as will any changes to physical health and family set-up (eg, if you have a new baby in the house).
Managing expectations and emotions when you do take the leap
It’s invigorating to feel that excitement again. The potential thrill that comes from the unknown, and from forging a new relationship with a four-legged bestie.
It’s also important to consider the emotions that bringing a new pet into your life can bring up, which can be painful.
“Often, it will bring back feelings of grief from the past,” says Julie. “By getting another dog, in their mind they may feel they’re trying to replace a partner or a parent. The anticipation of what it’s going to feel like is where the problem usually is: how they expect to feel.”
Getting a dog again doesn’t mean you’re forgetting your original dog, erasing their memory or abandoning them. It simply means you’re ready to start a new relationship. Wood urges pet parents to keep photos of the previous dog up if they want to. And they can share blankets and toys if they’ve kept them.
“There is no wrong way: whatever is right for that person at that time,” she says.
As for us? I’m still missing Pork Chop every single day. Our snuggles, those early morning walks on the common, his tail wagging happily when kids at the school gate ran up to him, shrieking his name.
He makes everything in our lives better, and as a family, we’re all more affectionate with each other when he’s around. So for now, I’m the proudest of dog aunties… but who knows what 2026 and beyond may bring.
Jennifer Barton is a freelance journalist who has written for The Guardian, British Vogue, WIRED, Grazia, i Paper and The Telegraph, among others. When she’s not writing, you’ll likely find her in downward dog (she’s currently doing her yoga TT), or snuggling her gorgeous English bulldog nephew, Pork. Though she now parents four human children, her first baby was another English bulldog, Bolshy, whose wrinkles she wiped dutifully for 11 glorious years.
