5 Signs Your Cat Thinks You Are Their Safe Space
And 5 ways to make them feel even safer.
You love your cat. You wouldn’t take care of them (or, frankly, be reading this article) if you didn’t. But do they love you back? Your gut response is probably, Yes, of course they do! But the truth is, that question is easier asked than answered. After all, cats cannot tell us what they are feeling — they cannot talk about their emotions like we can — so it’s impossible to ever know for sure if they love us or what “love” even means to them.
Love can be a very complicated emotion after all. And complicated emotions don’t necessarily serve animals. What matters to animals, especially prey animals like cats, is safety. Safety means survival and whatever love may or may not mean to a cat, it probably all starts with them feeling safe.
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Signs your cat feels safe with you
1. They want to be near you
“If your cat chooses to spend the majority of their time in the same room as you, that’s a good indicator that they feel safe.” says Laura Cassiday, certified cat behavior consultant at Pawsitive Vibes Cat Behavior and Trainingopens in new tab.
“This is especially true if they seek you out at times when they are scared or distressed,” adds Joey Lusvardi, certified cat behavior consultant at Class Act Catsopens in new tab.
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This doesn’t necessarily mean they are always cuddled up next to you — some cats simply don’t like being touched — but given the option, a cat that feels safe with you will usually choose to at least be in the same room as you, rather than off on their own.
2. They make themselves physically vulnerable around you
Lying down around you, letting you touch their throat, stomach, or paws. Even something like turning their back towards you can be an indication that they feel safe around you. It might feel like they are ignoring you — and maybe they are — but they are also showing you that they trust you enough not to keep an eye on you all the times. “A cat who doesn’t feel safe will generally be avoidant or watchful,” says Cassiday.
3. They are physically permissive
“A cat that really trusts you will often let you do things they won’t let anyone else do - like hold them or clip their nails,” says Lusvardi. You may not have carte blanche to do whatever you want with them, but you’ll almost certainly have privileges newcomers or others in your home don’t share.
4. They sleep near you
An animal is never more vulnerable than when they are asleep, so the fact that your cat sleeps near you is a major indicator that they feel safe in your presence.
“Of course, cats will also feign sleep sometimes when they are keeping an eye on us,” says Lusvardi, “But if they are actually asleep around you or sleeping in or near the bed with you at night, that’s an excellent sign that they feel safe.”
5. They use the litterbox around you
“Going to the bathroom is a pretty vulnerable thing to do, so if your cat does that when you’re in the room, they probably feel pretty safe around you,” says Lusvardi.
If they follow you into the bathroom when you are on the toilet that can also be a sign that they trust you and even that they care about you, since they want to be near you when you are doing something vulnerable, too.
How to make your cat feel even safer with you
Even if your cat exhibits all of the above behaviors (and especially if they don’t), it’s always a good idea to do what you can to strengthen their trust in you. Because the more you are able to fortify that trust, the stronger your bond will become.
1. Respect the “No”
“If your cat shows you that they don’t want you to do something, respect their wishes,” says Lusvardi. “That’s the thing people most often get wrong [about cat behavior and relationships]. If you force them to do things, you could be damaging the relationship.”
This doesn’t mean that you never brush them or just let their claws grow without ever trimming them. You still need to take care of them, but if they try to walk away before you are finished or indicate that they have had their fill of that particular activity in some other way – pushing your hand away, growling, etc. — give it a rest and try again later. “If you respect them, over time they will let you do more,” says Lusvardi. “You want to give them the sense that Okay, I do have some control over my little piece of the universe.”
2. Learn to read their body language
Cats have a very limited number of tools for communicating with us, so learning to properly decipher their body language is essential if you want to know what is actually going on with them. For instance, you may think that showing you their belly is a sign that they want you to touch them there, but exposing the belly can also be a defensive move, putting their claws and teeth out front and ready for action. You need to read the body language signs that came before (looking at you out of the side of their face, a hunched, fearful posture, ears back) and context clues to know if this is an intimate gesture or a defensive one.
Another example is lip licking. I recently observed my friend Grace playing with her cat. Her play style seemed a little antagonistic to me, especially after I noticed her cat had started licking around her mouth. Grace was like, “Oh, that means she wants a treat.” And, certainly, when Grace put the treat down, her cat ate it, but I felt compelled to tell her that lip licking is a known sign of distress in cats and that she should probably play more gently. She didn’t want to believe me and got pretty defensive, but I’m hopeful that she’ll heed my advice once she’s had some time to think about it and her ego recovers. Because not understanding (or refusing to acknowledge) your cat’s body language isn’t just bad for your cat and your relationship with them, Cassidy points out that it’s also a major cause of bites and scratches. Because cats rarely, if ever, “attack out of nowhere.” Unless they are surprised, they always give a sign that they are nervous or displeased. It’s up to you to pay attention.
3. Seek enthusiastic consent
“Understand that just because a cat allows you to do something, like pet them, doesn’t mean they feel safe with you,” says Cassiday. Permissiveness is one thing, but if you really want to strengthen your relationship with your cat and ensure that they feel as safe as possible around you, seek enthusiastic consent before engaging with them.
“Give your cat the space to approach you first,” she says. “And test their consent before petting them by offering them your hand to sniff first. Pet them for a few seconds, then stop and see what they do. If your cat leans in and comes back to your hand, keep going. If they move away or don’t enthusiastically return to your hand, that’s their way of saying, no thanks. Respecting their signals and allowing them to give permission (or not) builds trust and helps them feel secure around you.”
4. Be predictable
Cats thrive on routine, so make your interactions with them as calm and predictable as possible. Too much predictability might seem boring to you, but you can never be too predictable for a cat. The more they know what to expect from you — when they’ll be fed, when they’ll be played with, how you’ll react in certain situations, the schedule you keep — the more relaxed they’ll feel.
5. Use positive reinforcement
If and when your cat does something you don’t like, “don’t yell or use a spray bottle to make them stop,” says Lusvardi. “Don’t be a jackass.” The fact is, negative reinforcement does not create lasting change in a cat’s behavior, it only serves to make them anxious and damage your relationship with them. “There almost always is a way to get them to do something without being mean to them.”
For example: say you want your cat to move away from a particular spot. Rather than physically moving them or making a loud noise so they bolt, try using a wand toy, treats, catnip, or a combination of all three to tempt them to another spot instead.
And if you’re struggling with how to use positive reinforcement effectively, seek the help of a professional like Lusvardi or Cassiday. Cat behavior consultants can do wonders even over Zoom and one or two sessions may be all it takes to see a marked improvement in your cat’s behavior and your relationship, if you’re willing to do what they say and put in the work.
Your cat might never draft a heartfelt letter declaring their undying devotion to you, but safety speaks louder than sentiment anyway. When you show them you’re someone who listens, respects their limits, and doesn’t act like a jerk, they’ll respond in the ways that matter: relaxing around you, seeking you out, and trusting you even at their most vulnerable moments. And that’s about as close to a feline “I love you” as you can get.
