How to Re-Enter Society, According to My Cat

Get vaccinated.

Make sure you’re up-to-date on all your shots.

Reconnect with the people you love and cherish.

Headbutt them. Nibble on their fingers. Show them your belly.

Protect your energy.

Don’t commit to anything. Keep your calendar loose and fancy free. A morning nap? Great. A mid-afternoon nap? You need it. A third nap in-between those two? Probably the best thing you can do for yourself.

Remember you’re in public.

Don’t be obscene just because you’re accustomed to uninterrupted privacy. You can’t shit in the middle of the room. That’s where you lick your own butthole.

Communicate your boundaries.

If you’re not comfortable, say something. Let all of the hair on your back stand straight up. Puff your tail. Fire a warning cry, then bite. They’ve been warned.

Establish status.

Assess whether or not this is an environment where you’re the alpha. (Short answer: yes, it is.) Find a place above everyone else to stand and just quietly observe (read: plot).

Adhere to a consistent meal schedule.

Twice a day, eat like you’ve been starved for weeks. Nibble on a little something 13 times a day. Forget water exists until you dump food into it and now it’s ruined.

Opt out.

Just don’t do it. Instead, hide. Where? Doesn’t matter. Under a blanket, under a bed, deep in a closet or the wall. The more obscure, the better.