How Do Dogs Choose Their Other Dog Friends?

Some dogs are super social creatures who will approach every other dog they see, tail wagging. Others, while not exactly unfriendly or hostile, will be more cautious and picky, turning away from some dogs while excitedly embracing others. If you have a choosy dog who isn’t easily won over, you may be left wondering what exactly makes your pup reject some dogs at the park but choose others as firm friends. 

Kate LaSala is a dog trainer and certified behavior consultant. She says that, contrary to popular belief, not all dogs will like other dogs just because they’re the same species. After all, it’s highly unlikely that you will like all the people you come across. “Even friendly, well socialized dogs will find certain individuals they don’t want to be friends with, just like humans,” says LaSala. “You may be a super friendly person but that doesn’t mean you like all other humans.”

Dog sociability, says LaSala, should be thought of as a bell curve. There’s a “spectrum of sociability”, and all dogs fall somewhere on that spectrum. Some will seem to love pretty much every dog they meet, while on the opposite end, you’ll find those who are afraid of or aggressive towards most or all other dogs. Most of them actually fall into the main part of the bell curve. That means they are asocial, tolerant or selective about who they make friends with.

There are many factors that influence a dog’s sociability. Genetics matters, as does early socialization, which LaSala says is up to about 12 weeks. Positive play experiences also drive a dog’s sociability, and if they have negative ones, that can throw them off. “While we can do conditioning if dogs are afraid of other dogs, that’s not likely to turn them into best friends. It will help them feel better but not turn them into social butterflies,” says LaSala. Dogs have their own opinions about what is fun and who they want to be around, and we can’t control them.

When it comes to actually choosing their friend group, there are many factors at play. Joe Nutkins is a dog trainer who has met and socialized many different dogs. He says that dogs will often enjoy spending time with those who complement their personality and energy level. “A dog who enjoys sniffing about on a walk will be more likely to move away from a new dog that is over bouncy, barky and insisting they play and be comfortable walking next to a dog who also enjoys sniffing about quietly,” says Nutkins. “In the same respect a higher energy dog may try and encourage a quiet or shy one to interact if there is no one else around but will move on if another dog who is more active appears on the scene.” However, it isn’t always straightforward. Nutkins says that there are pairs and groups of dogs who appear incompatible, but they may have similar elements of their personality.

This is true in my experience. My dog, a 15-year-old Jack Russell, is extremely selective with her friend group. She’ll run away from most dogs who approach her, but every so often will take a liking to someone, and it’s impossible to understand why. She likes parallel play and seems to be comfortable with sitting near a dog peacefully, but the second they are over-familiar, she’ll walk away. Much like with people, sometimes dogs will like one another because they have similar interests. Maybe they both love running, play fighting, or going on long sniffaris. In my dog’s case, she likes others whose main interest is appearing totally ambivalent about playing. If another dog just wants to relax close to her, that’s her comfort level. Nutkins says that some dogs like each other because they offer mutual respect. “For example an adult or senior dog who is given space and not run into when a 12 month old dog has zoomies will understand the younger dog has respect for them and so know they can be comfortable around the other dog,” he says. “They see the younger dog isn't going to come and jump on them, barge into them or try to pinch their toy so therefore they are accepted, which is a form of liking.”

Things are also pretty complicated when it comes to what makes dogs not like one another. “The biggest ones I see are a more sensitive dog not wanting to be near the loud dog who has no spatial awareness or when we have two dogs who are very equal, such as two entire males of similar age and confidence levels,” says Nutkins. He says that he mostly sees conflict arise when dogs don’t like one another, but they can’t move away from each other. Personal experience is a major factor, and there may be trauma that plays into it: “A quiet dog may dislike a louder dog due to injury being jumped on in the past, unpredictability of not knowing what the dog will do next or not being able to relax in case the dog tries to start play.”

Interestingly, Nutkins says that sometimes dogs don't get along because of negative associations with the pet parent. “If a parent is very loud while praising their dog or shouts their name a lot to get attention this can cause another dog to feel uneasy and not want that dog to be near them as inevitably the loud owner will be nearby too,” he says. “So there's not actually an issue between the dogs but by association.” So if someone’s dog doesn’t like your dog for no reason at all, maybe you should take it personally.

Plus, sudden changes can impact how a dog feels. It might seem like they’ve turned for no reason, but Nutkins says that if your dog feels unwell or is in pain, they don’t want too much attention from other dogs, even if they were previously friends. “If they can't communicate that successfully with body language then they will need to use growling or a quick snap to say 'just give me space',” he says. “It can then look like the dogs are no longer 'friendly' but once the dog is feeling well again usually everything goes back to normal.”

There are many reasons why your dog chooses their friends, and for the most part, you don’t have any control over who they do or don’t like. You are in charge of who they see, as you take them to daycare or on walks, but you can’t actually force them to enjoy spending time with that dog. Just think–how would you like it if your parents had chosen your friends in high school?