The ‘Let Them’ Theory for Pets

I was headed home from vacation when the “Let Them” theory changed my life. I’d downloaded an episode of the Mel Robbins podcast to listen to on the plane, hoping to spark some inspiration as I returned to a dreary New York City winter after a few sun-soaked days in Los Angeles. I was fuming over a failed romance and stewing with resentment toward friends who hadn’t invited me on a recent girls’ trip. I listened, riveted, as I sipped my ginger ale. When it was over, I started it again from the beginning. By the time I stood to retrieve my carry-on from the overhead bin, I was fired up. The man I’d been dating who seemed determined to self-destruct until he hit rock bottom? Let him! The friends who smiled at me from their Instagram stories as they went to brunch without me? Let them! I was going to stop policing other people’s behavior and focus on my own. If it wasn’t within my control, I wasn’t going to fret about it. 

When I told my therapist about how the “Let Them” theory was revolutionizing my attitude, she said I was her third client to bring it up that week. So I wasn’t surprised when, a little less than a year later, “The Let Them Theory” became an instant bestseller. Of course, as with anything that becomes extremely popular, the “Let Them” theory has its share of naysayers, and some people have accused Robbins of failing to credit the author of a viral Instagram poem that may have inspired the theory. But despite the controversy, there’s no question that the “Let Them” theory has helped many people, including me, to find peace of mind and feel happier on a day-to-day basis. 

The theory has two parts; beyond the “let them” step, where you allow people to do what they’re going to do anyway, there’s the all-important “let me” follow-up, which challenges us to ask ourselves what we can do to exercise agency over our own lives and feelings. For example: When my friend doesn’t invite me to her birthday party, I won’t get mad and start plotting revenge. (What can I say? I’m a Scorpio.) That’s step one: Let her! Instead, if I want to mend fences, I will reach out and invite her out for coffee. That’s step two: “Let me” be proactive and make it clear that I care about her, and that our relationship is important to me. If she declines my invitation? Let her! And then let me nurture new relationships that are more in alignment with who I am now. 

Since I started using the “Let Them” theory, I’ve become quite the evangelist for it. Not a day goes by when I don’t find an occasion to use it — which led me to wonder: Can we use the “Let Them” theory with our pets? I think so. Have you ever scolded your cat for shredding the furniture, or gotten angry when your dog rolled in mud (or worse)? Read on to find out how your life as a pet parent can be transformed by the “Let Them” theory — for cats and dogs.

How to use the “Let Them” theory on your pets

It’s pretty simple: When your cat or dog does something that irritates, annoys, or otherwise upsets you, instead of yelling “no” or trying to discipline them, consider why they might be doing whatever it is they’re doing. Then think about what you can do to stop the behavior, or to make it less bothersome. Here are just a few of the instances in which the “Let Them” theory might be just the thing you (and your pets!) need in order to keep the peace.

When your cat wakes you up at the crack of dawn

Like many pet parents, I don’t need an alarm clock. My cats, who at most times of the day can be found sprawled across a radiator snoozing or curled into a loaf on the couch silently glaring at me, shove their butts in my face and scratch at the side of the bed to let me know the sun is rising. 

Let them: “Cats are crepuscular, meaning they're most active at dawn and dusk,” certified cat behaviorist Stephen Quandt tells me. “This aligns with the activity cycles of common prey like birds and mice. Your cat's internal clock is just doing what evolution designed it to do,” Quandt says.

Let me: If that feline alarm clock is going off too early, Quandt recommends playing with your cat about an hour before bedtime (human bedtime, that is) to help them get that hunting energy out. Top off the play session with an extra meal to tide them over. “This will help activate the ‘sleep switch’ in them,” he explains. 

When your dog stops to sniff everything on a walk

Sometimes I think getting a dog would be a great way to get more exercise. All those walks! All those extra steps! Then I think about the people I’ve seen standing around with their dogs, trying to get them to move along. “It can sometimes take 20 minutes to walk my curious dog down a single block,” writer Kelly Conaboy says. “He takes a few steps, then stops to sniff. Takes a single step, stops to sniff.”

Let them: Sniffing is how dogs find out what’s going on in the world; they have 100-300 million olfactory receptors, while humans only have 5-6 million. So while we get our news from scrolling, dogs get theirs from sniffing. “Sniffing is not a distraction; it is a core biological need,” Lorraine Rhoads, director of health and safety at Dogtopia, told Conaboy.

Let me: Adjusting expectations is the answer here. Your dog’s walk isn’t for you, it’s for them. If your dog isn’t moving at the pace you’d like, slow your roll and think of the outing as a “sniff walk,” or “sniffari.” Let them take their time to smell everything they want to, and both of you will enjoy the walk more. Once they’re home, you can head out for your own brisk walk to get your heart rate up.

When your cat scratches the furniture

My sofa has seen better days, thanks to my cats treating it like their personal scratching post. Really, it’s just one arm that’s worse for wear, with the seams ripped open and the stuffing falling out. I’d like to get a new one, but I’m afraid they’d just tear that one up, too.

Let them: My cats don’t go outside, but Quandt reminds me that if they did, they’d head for the nearest tree and start scratching. “Cats scratch trees because it feels good,” he explains. “Bark allows their nails to sink in; then they drag and pull. This stretches their tendons and muscles, which is good for them.” It also releases old nail sheaths and keeps claws from overgrowing. Unfortunately, Quandt says, my couch has the same effect. 

Let me: Stock up on approved scratching surfaces to keep those claws busy and healthy. If your cat, like mine, still goes for the furniture, play around with different types of scratchers. Some cats like vertical posts; others prefer horizontal pads. Some go for sisal rope; others love corrugated cardboard. Quandt recommends observing your cat's scratching style before investing in a new post, and placing it near the furniture they've been targeting.

When your dog digs holes in the yard

When they’re not stopping to sniff everything, dogs love digging in the dirt — without regard for your landscaping design. If your dog is digging holes where you’d rather they not, the first thing to consider is that they might be bored, or not getting enough exercise. However, sometimes dogs will dig anyway.

Let them: Your dog’s drive to dig is instinctive, dog trainer and animal behaviorist Caryn Self Sullivan told Kinship for a story about why dogs dig. “Their ancestors would dig dens to have their pups in.” These dens were also useful for protecting the puppies, once they were born. And there are so many other great reasons for dogs to dig! They might be chasing after a burrowing animal that only their finely tuned senses can detect, searching out cooler temperatures on a sweltering day, or just burning off energy. 

Let me: As with cats and scratching, redirection is the name of the game. Create a designated digging area, like a sandbox or a specific corner of the yard, and encourage your dog to use it. Bury treats and toys in the approved digging zone to make it more appealing than your garden. Citrus smells may help keep them away from specific spots, as can other natural deterrents such as vinegar or pepper. 

When your cat pukes on the rug

Why do cats always seem to vomit on an area rug when there's perfectly good hardwood and tile available? Every rug in my apartment has been thrown up on more than once, and I have an arsenal of pet-safe carpet cleaning products under my sink. As much as I believe that my cats do truly love me, that pile of puke on the rug feels personal.

Let them: "Cats go for the carpet because they want to make a lasting impression," Quandt explains, only partly joking. "They want that vomitus to hang around, and what better way than embedding it in the fibers of your carpet?" Cats also tend to seek out cozy, enclosed spaces like bathrooms when they're feeling unwell — hence the popularity of bath mats as vomit destinations.

Let me: First, take your cat to the vet to make sure you’re dealing with normal cat puking, and not a health issue. Then consider swapping out delicate rugs for washable ones. Either way, keep plenty of enzymatic cleaner on hand to get the smell out. And if your cat hurls on the bath mat? Quandt points out you can toss it directly into the shower to pre-rinse it. Let’s be grateful for small favors!

When your dog rolls in dirt…or worse

Being a pet parent is messy; at some point we just have to embrace the chaos. But does your freshly bathed dog really have to make a beeline for the most repulsive thing in the park and roll in it? If you’re lucky, it’s just good clean dirt. Other times, you wish it was dirt.

Let them: Dogs roll in smelly things for lots of reasons. They may be trying to mask their own scent (a survival instinct that helps them evade predators), or they may be trying to really take in another smell they’re curious about. “Dogs see the world through their noses and are attracted to intense smells,” dog trainer Sassafras Patterdale told Kinship. “Part of enjoying that odor is rolling in it to experience more of the smell.” Also, rolling in dirt just feels good. (Or at least, I imagine it does.)

Let me: You can try training your dog to come when you call, but it’s also a good idea to keep a couple of old towels in the car whenever you take your dog anywhere. That way, you’re ready. Stock up on your dog’s favorite shampoo, keep your yard scooped, and accept that this is part of having a dog. The cuteness and cuddles more than make up for the messiness, right?

The "Let Them" theory isn't about giving your pets permission to destroy your house or ignoring problematic behavior. It's about understanding why they do what they do, releasing the frustration that comes from expecting them to act like tiny humans, and finding solutions that work for everyone. For example: This morning as I sat on the sofa reading and sipping my coffee, my cat Freddy jumped into my lap. I’d been about to stand up and start the day, and was momentarily annoyed. I almost shooed her away. Then I remembered the “Let Them” theory. Freddy was purring and making biscuits on my sweater — so I picked up my book, settled in for another chapter, and let her.